I miss...

I miss having a family, mostly on holidays.

This storm was rolling through as I wrote this post...

 
Today I got to spend time with my son. He spent the night with me last night. It was great to hang out with him. He is getting so grown up and I don't even know who he is anymore. Do not take this admission as a cry for help with my out of control 8-year-old. What I am trying to say is-- for the first seven years of his life I had major interactions with him almost every day of his life. On the day he was born I fell asleep holding him in a rocking chair. Since I was from a large family, I taught my wife how to hold him, and diaper him. I didn't always get up in the darkest hours of the night to feed him because his mother was insistent on feeding him "mother's milk". But when she needed extra rest I got up, prepped a bottle and fed him. I watched him fall asleep on my chest and loved the smell of his little wobbly head. Except for a few rare occasions, when I was out of town, I had interactions with him daily. (Sometimes that was just pulling up his blankets and kissing him on his face, but every day he and I interacted.) Many times our major bonding would be putting him through his bedtime routine. He really loved it when I told him a calming story we called "The Fluffy Clouds". I will talk more about that in another post.

June 1st, 2014 -- one year and one month ago that all changed. I moved into a crappy one bedroom apartment, fully intending to move back home, when my best friend and partner of 11 plus years felt that she could trust me again.

There are things I miss about our relationship, I miss riding in the car with her as she gripped the wheel tighter and tighter on a road trip. Sometimes we would get in the car and drive to Winnipeg to get ethnic food that is unavailable here in Grand Forks. (I can still hear the disbelief in the boarder guard's voice...)

Boarder Guard: Why are you visiting Canada?
EX-WIFE: To get Dim Sum.
Boarder Guard: How long will you be staying?
EX-WIFE: A few hours.
Boarder Guard: You are driving that far for food?
EX-WIFE: We miss ethnic food.

I miss watching television together, especially binge watching shows like ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, LOST, DEXTER, and BREAKING BAD. I miss doing the laundry (well I miss having a washer and dryer). I miss doing dishes, (because she would never let me cook AND there was a dishwasher). I miss the way she would fidget of she was having a hard time falling asleep. Hell, I even miss the sudden shock of having her cold feet pressed against my legs. I miss discovering a great restaurant with her and seeking out local great restaurants when we traveled. I miss her hugs and I miss her silly Muppet dance she would do when really good music came on the radio.

When my former best friend filed for divorce I lost it. I had spent the summer trying to find a decent paying job. I finally got a decent job and then I got served my papers at work, making it really difficult to concentrate at my place of employment. Needless to say I still have not recovered from the death of this relationship, emotionally, or financially. I miss not worrying about money. I miss knowing there is food in the fridge. I miss my friend. I miss being part of a team.

Of all the things I miss about being married, and being part of a family unit, I miss my son most. He used to come climb into bed with us almost every night. The rest of the night was spent trying to keep his flailing feet away from my crotch. It was like he was trying to make sure he never had any siblings, as many nights I awoke with searing pain pulsating up into my gut as he connected with the family jewels despite my pillow barrier and my attempt to turn away from his little monkey feet. Strange thing to admit missing kicks in the crotch...

Without the daily interaction with my son he is becoming a stranger to me. I try and connect with him through daily good night calls, and the twice a month visits, but it isn't enough. I miss my son. I miss being his dad not just a post-divorce sperm donor...